Sunday, February 28, 2010

Cat in the Box

"See? I can still fit in here. I really haven't gained an ounce. The box must have gotten wet and shrunk."

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Treated Like Furniture

"What? There aren't enough chairs around here for you?? I know I've gained a little weight lately, but I'm not a couch!!

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Hypnotic Stare of Bliss

"Huh? Are you shittin' me?! Did you just say Banana Cream Pie?!?!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Girl Scout Gangsta

"Oh god, oh god, oh god. Don't let him find out. Please, baby jesus, don't...let...him...find...out..."

"Aw, hell to da no!! Who da f@ @k ate my Dulce de Leches?!?!
Oh, it's on now. I'm about to pop a cap in someone's ass."

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

It's Violet Vednesday Again!

"Hello, my dahlings. It's me, Violet. Today ve'll read some viewer mail...

'Dear Violet Vednesday, you are amazing and gorgeous. Will you be my wife?' --Mahatma Coat

- Oh, thank you, MC! But, as a two-year-old, I plan to stay single for another year or so. Don't vorry, I vill keep your letter vith di other marriage proposals.

Here's another:

'Dear VV, what's your secret?' --Cue Rius

- CR, if I told you, it vouldn't be a secret. I give you a hint: peanut butter.

Now for my favorite part...Ugly Pug of di Veek!
See you next veek, my dahlings!"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Defying Gravity

"Take a look for yourself. I've actually lost 24 pounds! Thanks Valerie Bertinelli!!

What? have to step on this thing??"

Monday, February 22, 2010

Napoleon Complex

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do here, Pat. I don't doubt your skit about the French Revolution is brilliant, but I'm still having trouble finding my motivation.

Oh, and remind me after the play to ask you how you make a living being one of those left-side-female/right-side-male impersonators."

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Cleanliness is Next to Catliness

"Geez, what does it say about the state of this apartment that I'd rather sleep on a pile of dirty laundry than anywhere else?? I've got just two suggestions for you, Herbert: run a vacuum through this place and run a comb through that hair!"

Saturday, February 20, 2010

All is Right with the World

"Yes, you can sleep peacefully now, little one. You learned a valuable lesson today: whenever you make a mistake or hurt the ones you love, hold a worldwide press conference, beg for forgiveness, and then everyone lives happily ever after. Just pick up your club and swing again, lil' pumpkin."

(The views of this cat are expressly his own and do not necessarily reflect those of F@ K@ Lover or any of its affiliates.)

Friday, February 19, 2010

I Hope You Saved the Receipt

"Okay, let me see if I got this straight: It's my birthday, we've been together for 14 years, and all you gave me is this incredibly bad replica of a mouse?? Mice are not purple!

I have feelings, you know. I'm not just arm candy."

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Don't Be Touchin' My TV!

"WTF! Who just changed the damn channel?!?! We've talked about this a million flipping during American Idol!

Don't make me angry, Melissa. You know what happens. Crap, too late; here come the horns..."

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Velcome to Violet Vednesday!

"Hello my dahlings! Velcome back to my Vednesday.

Today I vill illustrate how only ve felines can pull of di chubby look. Other 'animals' just do not have vhat is takes to look cute vith a bit of veight on di bones.

Check out dese links:

And here is di Ugly Pug of Di Veek!
See you next veek, my dahlings!"

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Camera Adds Some Poundage

"Correct lighting is the most important aspect of photography. This is me looking athletic and svelte in the natural light of the little boys room."

"Here I am under the harsh glare of the fluorescent light bulbs in the den. Notice any difference? Class dismissed."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Yeah, About Last Night...

"So, uh, listen...we need to talk about last night. It was Valentine's Day, we both just went through bad breakups, the electricity was out; I just don't think this is gonna work out. So I'm gonna need you to remove your hands from there. You hear what I'm sayin', Suzie? Oh, sorry. You hear what I'm sayin', Mark?"

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Warning: May Cause Diabetic Shock

Insanely Sweet

Freakishly Sweet

Slit-Your-Throat Sweet

Happy V.D.!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Gold Medal for Cuteness

"Taking a picture with the cutest kid in the world is torture. This should be my moment! Don't look at her, people...look at me! Uh, hello, I see your eyes drifting to the left."

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Reign of Cats is Imminent

"With the robo-cats ready to strike in strategic locations, my plans for world domination are nearly complete. Soon, humanity will bow before me and my minions! [insert evil laugh here]

Now, if I can just figure out how to turn the damn things on..."

The White House (Wash., DC)

Olympic Village (Vancouver)

Fort Knox (Kentucky)

Hooters Headquarters (Atlanta, Georgia)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Step Aside Picasso

"Being a mere biped, I never expected you would understand my artistic vision. I have captured the angst and ennui of living in a house full of Neanderthals.

Alas, real genius is never truly appreciated until they are dead."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

It's Violet Vednesday!!

"Hello, my dahlings. It's me, Violet. And it's Vednesday.

Today I shall spotlight some chubby beauties dat have received many email comments. If you vould like to feature your cute and curvy kitty, send your photos to me at di email address on di right.

Here are some much-talked-about posts:

Separated at Birth? You Decide...

Would You Like an Autograph, Too?

When Cats Become Cougars

See you next veek, my dahlings!

Oh, as you loyal readers know, a pug broke my heart. So I give you di Ugly Pug of di Week!"

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

How Do You Hold Your Lil' Kitty?

The Sack of Potatoes Method

The Reverse Lift and Jerk

The Forward Tuck and Roll

Military Style (aka The Sarah Palin)

Monday, February 8, 2010

What Goes Up, Must Come Down

"Ever since he became known as 'Balloon Boy,' things just haven't been the same around here. And with Heene in jail, I can't get a refill on my Xanax prescription! Richard is such a Dick."

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Super Bowl Munchies

"I don't know what it is about football that makes me even hungrier than usual. Everything I see looks so tasty. Maybe it's because I look like one?"

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Armchair Shopping is Exhausting

"I'm gonna buy shoes and I'm ready for the weekend. I hope QVC has a pair that match this couch!"

Friday, February 5, 2010

Crime Spree: Men's Bags Being Stolen!

"At least someone's got my back, especially when others want to cut off my front!"
-- Tommy (right)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Shoulda Bought 'Merican

"Hi! It's me, Sara! I'm calling you from my new video-phone. Wait, you're breaking up. Can you see me now? Hold on, let me try again. Is it better now?
It was fine a minute ago. Now it's going all toyota on me."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Velcome to Violet Vednesdays!!

"Hello, my dahlings! My name is Violet. My shapeliness inspired dis F@ K@ blog. If Za Za and Eva Gabor had a daughter, dat little princess from Hungry vould be me.

I vill take over di computer on Vednesdays to share your comments, bring back popular posts, or lash out at my ex. Today, I vill address di latter.

To protect his identity, ve'll call him 'Manny.' After a torrid love affair spanning three continents, he left me at di altar in Greece. No one does dat to, as one newspaper called me, The Toast of Warsaw. I have no qualms saying dat he turned me against his entire race. Let di Pug bashing begin. Roll di next slide, please."
"Here is his pugliness doing vhat he did best, lounge."

"Here he is being kinky. (Pugs are into dat stuff, you know.)"

"And here is his pug-iness begging for forgiveness. (Which I never gave.)
See you next veek, my dahlings!"

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Art of Hostage Negotiation

"Dinner didn't agree with you, Mildred? Well, lately you haven't been agreeing with me either. I'll be more than happy to step aside...once we reach a consensus on my demands. #1: I get to watch the Jersey Shore whenever I want. #2..."

Monday, February 1, 2010

No One's Gonna Harsh My Mellow

"Make yer own copies, bossman! I'm declaring this a three-day weekend. Zzzzzz..."