All I Want for Christmas is...

RIP Prince Chunk

NY Daily News reports that this 44-pound cutie is no longer with us.

Did Someone Take a Dump in Your Hammock?

"No, dumbass. It's me...your favorite rotund kitty."

Got Another Six-Pack??

"Hey, it's Friday somewhere."

Hi, My Name is Mat

"I'm a cat. I'm a rug. I'm a cat rug!"

Cat Wears Camo!

"Can you see me? I can see you. In fact, I see more than I want to see."

The Doctor is In

"Come in, dahling. Tell mama what is bahthering you."

Can You Keep a Secret??

"Guess what? Nobody let the cat out of the bag."

This Isn't Going to End Well

"I know we've had our differences in the past. Let's just hug it out, Eagle-meister."

Fat Camp Dropout

"I just can't control those eating demons. This is what happens when my role models are Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan."

Some Dogs are Cross-dressers

"Take a look at this crazy mutha. Burp. Dogs tryin' to be cats crack me up. Burp."

Don't Try This at Home

Shut Your Trap!

"If I don't get all the salmon I like, I'm gonna tell your wife you like to wear her mmmmmmph."

Who's the Sleepy Baby?

"I just love quilts. Don't you?"

Crime Against Nature!

"Ok, so maybe I deserve to be punished. But that hippo was askin' for it!."

If the Shoe Fits...

"...then it's time to buy a new one."

Lookout for Earl!!

"Batten down the hatches!! A hurricane's a-comin'!!"

Braveheart My Ass

"Geez. Drinks, drugs, fights...That's the last time I throw a party for Mel Gibson's cat."

God is Part Cat

"Seriously, I know what I'm saying: Jesus said that I need to receive more food. He told me this morning while I was in the shower and I was, like, 'Jesus! Can we talk about this later?!' And He was, like, 'Yeah, okay. But tell them what I said!!'"

Furniture That's Bad for Self-Esteem

"Don't blame my weight for breaking it. Besides, who the hell makes a chair out of a giant rubber band?"

I Love the Sears Portrait Studio

"Look at me. Am I not the most amazing thing you've ever seen? You can't turn away, can you? No, you cannot."

Watchers Wait

"I think I'll sit here for a bit while I catch my breath. This diet wears me out. By the way, your deck needs staining."

Lady Luck Sucks

"I lost all my money and got drunk. Or did I get drunk and lose all my money?"

Knock, Knock...

"Excuse me, I hear that you may be looking for a new furry friend?"

Only One Suspect...

"Bad news: Maurice is dead. Good news: His final wish was for me to get his food."

Soon, I'm Outta here

"Shit, nobody understands what I go through. One day, I'm gonna break out of this one-horse town and follow my dream to be a Vegas showgirl."

An "Inception" Birthday

"This is one weird ass birthday party. What are those? Marbles? Is that a candle in a thimble? Am I wearing a sweater vest? You guys are freaks."

Bring Me More Food!

"Chomp, chomp. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Chomp. chomp. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Something Doesn't Feel Right About This

"Pssst, Maurice. Pretend you're enjoying this and when he relaxes his arms, head for the window. He can't catch both of us."

Climbing to Nowhere

"Uh, hello. I think the Mt. Everest setting may be a little too challenging."

Ya Think Ur Cooler Than Me?

"Uh, yeah. Thanks. I, um, do feel much cooler now. How 'bout next time we just turn on the air conditioner?

I'm Gonna Sex U Up

"C'mon, baby. Nobody's home. It's just you and me and this cheap Persian rug."

Someone's a Little Over Excited

"Woohoo! Aw yeah! Dy-no-mite! There's a sale on kitty litter!"

Getting the 411

"Hang up! I already told you there's no program for cats at Jenny Craig.
God, I am so pissed at you right now, Heather."

When is a Cat Like a Giraffe?

"Wow, my ass looks fat."

Just 5 More Minutes

"What part of 'I'm not done with my bath' don't you get??"

You Never Know Who's a Porn Star

"Nooooo! It was never supposed to be made public! I was young and needed the money. I should have never done that video."

(scene from Daddy Likeee)

It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere

"I'm not the one with the problem. You're the one with the problem! Who leaves the price on a gift??"

Don't Judge Me

"I'm not chubby. I've just got short legs."

My Own Private World Cup

"I pass! I shoot! I SCORE!! Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!"

Computers Can Be Draining

"What do you think, little Russian doll? Will I ever the 1000-friend mark on Facebook?"

Cat in a Carriage

"I'll start acting like an adult when you stop treating me like a baby. Got it?
Oh, I'm ready for my bottle now. And it better not be room temperature!"

Exercising My Imagination

"I think I'll go for a jog today. Oh wait, I see a cloud. Better not risk it."

I Heart Holidays!

"What's better than a Monday off? Beer on a weekday!"

'Nuff Said

I Pledge Allegiance to My Owner

"Why don't I feel so independent?"

I'll Do It Myself

"No, no. Don't bother getting up. I'll get my own dinner."

Let's Get Physical

"New month, new weight. It's time to go from 'sculpting' to 'buffing.'"