Oldie But Goodie

"Hi y'all!"

A Little Privacy Please

"Excuse me. Would you mind turning around while I give birth to this breech baby? Thanks."

Nap Time

"You're not using this chair, are you?"

"Huh? Wha? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

Color Palattes are Important

"Do I look cuter on purple or in burgundy? Personally, I think both bring out the color in my eyes."

This May Take a While

"So you're saying this is only the first chapter of the new health care bill?"

Excuse Me...

"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp."

Revenge Personified

"That was the last straw, Virgil. I'm not taking your crap anymore. Something unseemly may, or may not, be in one, or several, of your shoes."

Before and After

"Wait. Who's the before and who's the after??"

Lose Weight Online

"Who says sitting at a computer doesn't promote weight loss? I've lost 30 pounds in four days! The trick is to type vigorously and with purpose."

Definition of a Sunday

"This is my favorite day of the week. Oh, did you want these towels?"

Sears Portrait Studio

"I just love standing here with you, but do you mind if I tell you something? I mean, no offense, but could you move your hand from there? That would be great, thanks."

It Wasn't Me!!

"I swear I didn't drink the your soda! A squirrel did! Why don't you believe me?

Undergarments Can Offer Some Support

"Seriously, tell me the truth: does girdle make me look thinner?"

It's Violet Vednesday

"Hello, my dahlings! It's Vednesday, and I'm Violet.

Vell, this veek I became a spokeskitten! Yes! It's good practice for vhen I become an Oscar-vinning actress.

So here goes...Nicecritic.com is a site that allows anyone to send constructive criticism anonymously. That's right, anonymously! Simply choose a message from a variety of categories and send it to their email. It's that simple. Someone have breath? Loud cell phone? Smelly lunch in their cube?

Think of the possibilities!

Vell, that's all for today, my dahlings! See you next veek!

Oh, I almost forgot. Here is the Ugly Pug of the Veek...for St. Patty's Day..."

Housing Crisis

"The way you keep this house, I'd rather live in my own. Just leave my food at the door.
Good day. I said good day, sir!"

Amateur Hypnotherapy

"Yes...close your eyes. Now, picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly. A girl with kaleidoscope eyes."

3.14159265358979...

"Happy Pi Day!

What? Didn't you know that Archimedes was actually a member of my race? Humans are sooo ego-centric.

Anyway, I baked you a pie..."

Square Peg, Round Hole

"Aaah, this is the life."

"No, wait. This is the life."

Waiting for an Apology

"You bought the cheap cat food again, didn't you? A low price was more important than my feelings? I'm so disappointed."

OH MY!!

"Greetings. I am the ghost of kittens past."

Humane is Not Universal

"Hold me, Monchichi! I just had the worst nightmare: I had to go to the vet in North Korea! Do you know how they treat us there? The word 'barbaric' doesn't even begin to describe it!"

Nip It in the Bud

"I really mean it, Stewart! If you subject me to the latest dog trend, peeing in your shoes will be the nicest thing I do to you. I will haunt your dreams."

Patience is a Virtue

"It about time you got up, sleepyhead! I've been on this counter since dawn. You mind opening this thing up? I don't have thumbs, you know."

Cover Girl

"I call this my 'Mermaid on the Shore' pose. My agent says I've got a good shot at being featured in the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. I just love going to exotic locations!"