Braveheart My Ass

"Geez. Drinks, drugs, fights...That's the last time I throw a party for Mel Gibson's cat."

God is Part Cat

"Seriously, I know what I'm saying: Jesus said that I need to receive more food. He told me this morning while I was in the shower and I was, like, 'Jesus! Can we talk about this later?!' And He was, like, 'Yeah, okay. But tell them what I said!!'"

Furniture That's Bad for Self-Esteem

"Don't blame my weight for breaking it. Besides, who the hell makes a chair out of a giant rubber band?"

I Love the Sears Portrait Studio

"Look at me. Am I not the most amazing thing you've ever seen? You can't turn away, can you? No, you cannot."

Watchers Wait

"I think I'll sit here for a bit while I catch my breath. This diet wears me out. By the way, your deck needs staining."

Lady Luck Sucks

"I lost all my money and got drunk. Or did I get drunk and lose all my money?"

Knock, Knock...

"Excuse me, I hear that you may be looking for a new furry friend?"

Only One Suspect...

"Bad news: Maurice is dead. Good news: His final wish was for me to get his food."

Soon, I'm Outta here

"Shit, nobody understands what I go through. One day, I'm gonna break out of this one-horse town and follow my dream to be a Vegas showgirl."

An "Inception" Birthday

"This is one weird ass birthday party. What are those? Marbles? Is that a candle in a thimble? Am I wearing a sweater vest? You guys are freaks."

Bring Me More Food!

"Chomp, chomp. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Chomp. chomp. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz."