Do You Like My New UGG Boots?

"I've got five letters for you: W. R. O. N. G."

Happy F-Day!

"Guess what? Even some dads love rotund kitties."

Get a Human Friend!

"Pssst. Is she gone? If I have to hear one more story about how I'm the only one that truly understands her, I'm gonna end it all.
By the way, has anyone seen my ears?"

Definition of Lazy

"Um, excuse me. Could you pass me the remote?"

Feeling Puffy

"Does my face make me look fat?"

Obscure Tom Hanks "Cast Away" Reference

"We might just make it. Did that thought ever cross your brain? Well regardless I would rather take my chance out there on the ocean, than to stay here and die on this shithole island spending the rest of my life talking to a god damn WATERMELON!"

and scene...

Waaay Too Literal

"I have only one thing to say: Tastes just like chicken."