Wednesday, December 22, 2010

All I Want for Christmas is...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

RIP Prince Chunk

NY Daily News reports that this 44-pound cutie is no longer with us.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Did Someone Take a Dump in Your Hammock?

"No, dumbass. It's me...your favorite rotund kitty."

Friday, November 12, 2010

Got Another Six-Pack??

"Hey, it's Friday somewhere."

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Hi, My Name is Mat

"I'm a cat. I'm a rug. I'm a cat rug!"

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Cat Wears Camo!

"Can you see me? I can see you. In fact, I see more than I want to see."

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Doctor is In

"Come in, dahling. Tell mama what is bahthering you."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Can You Keep a Secret??

"Guess what? Nobody let the cat out of the bag."

Saturday, September 25, 2010

This Isn't Going to End Well

"I know we've had our differences in the past. Let's just hug it out, Eagle-meister."

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Fat Camp Dropout

"I just can't control those eating demons. This is what happens when my role models are Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan."

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Some Dogs are Cross-dressers

"Take a look at this crazy mutha. Burp. Dogs tryin' to be cats crack me up. Burp."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Shut Your Trap!

"If I don't get all the salmon I like, I'm gonna tell your wife you like to wear her mmmmmmph."

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Who's the Sleepy Baby?

"I just love quilts. Don't you?"

Friday, September 10, 2010

Crime Against Nature!

"Ok, so maybe I deserve to be punished. But that hippo was askin' for it!."

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

If the Shoe Fits...

"...then it's time to buy a new one."

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Lookout for Earl!!

"Batten down the hatches!! A hurricane's a-comin'!!"

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Braveheart My Ass

"Geez. Drinks, drugs, fights...That's the last time I throw a party for Mel Gibson's cat."

Thursday, August 26, 2010

God is Part Cat

"Seriously, I know what I'm saying: Jesus said that I need to receive more food. He told me this morning while I was in the shower and I was, like, 'Jesus! Can we talk about this later?!' And He was, like, 'Yeah, okay. But tell them what I said!!'"

Friday, August 20, 2010

Furniture That's Bad for Self-Esteem

"Don't blame my weight for breaking it. Besides, who the hell makes a chair out of a giant rubber band?"

Monday, August 16, 2010

I Love the Sears Portrait Studio

"Look at me. Am I not the most amazing thing you've ever seen? You can't turn away, can you? No, you cannot."

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Watchers Wait

"I think I'll sit here for a bit while I catch my breath. This diet wears me out. By the way, your deck needs staining."

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Lady Luck Sucks

"I lost all my money and got drunk. Or did I get drunk and lose all my money?"

Monday, August 9, 2010

Knock, Knock...

"Excuse me, I hear that you may be looking for a new furry friend?"

Friday, August 6, 2010

Only One Suspect...

"Bad news: Maurice is dead. Good news: His final wish was for me to get his food."

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Soon, I'm Outta here

"Shit, nobody understands what I go through. One day, I'm gonna break out of this one-horse town and follow my dream to be a Vegas showgirl."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

An "Inception" Birthday

"This is one weird ass birthday party. What are those? Marbles? Is that a candle in a thimble? Am I wearing a sweater vest? You guys are freaks."

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Bring Me More Food!

"Chomp, chomp. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Chomp. chomp. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Friday, July 30, 2010

Something Doesn't Feel Right About This

"Pssst, Maurice. Pretend you're enjoying this and when he relaxes his arms, head for the window. He can't catch both of us."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Climbing to Nowhere

"Uh, hello. I think the Mt. Everest setting may be a little too challenging."

Monday, July 26, 2010

Ya Think Ur Cooler Than Me?

"Uh, yeah. Thanks. I, um, do feel much cooler now. How 'bout next time we just turn on the air conditioner?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I'm Gonna Sex U Up

"C'mon, baby. Nobody's home. It's just you and me and this cheap Persian rug."

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Someone's a Little Over Excited

"Woohoo! Aw yeah! Dy-no-mite! There's a sale on kitty litter!"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Getting the 411

"Hang up! I already told you there's no program for cats at Jenny Craig.
God, I am so pissed at you right now, Heather."

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Friday, July 16, 2010

Just 5 More Minutes

"What part of 'I'm not done with my bath' don't you get??"

Thursday, July 15, 2010

You Never Know Who's a Porn Star

"Nooooo! It was never supposed to be made public! I was young and needed the money. I should have never done that video."

(scene from Daddy Likeee)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere

"I'm not the one with the problem. You're the one with the problem! Who leaves the price on a gift??"

Monday, July 12, 2010

Don't Judge Me

"I'm not chubby. I've just got short legs."

Sunday, July 11, 2010

My Own Private World Cup

"I pass! I shoot! I SCORE!! Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!"

Friday, July 9, 2010

Computers Can Be Draining

"What do you think, little Russian doll? Will I ever the 1000-friend mark on Facebook?"

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Cat in a Carriage

"I'll start acting like an adult when you stop treating me like a baby. Got it?
Oh, I'm ready for my bottle now. And it better not be room temperature!"

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Exercising My Imagination

"I think I'll go for a jog today. Oh wait, I see a cloud. Better not risk it."

Monday, July 5, 2010

I Heart Holidays!

"What's better than a Monday off? Beer on a weekday!"

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I Pledge Allegiance to My Owner

"Why don't I feel so independent?"

Friday, July 2, 2010

I'll Do It Myself

"No, no. Don't bother getting up. I'll get my own dinner."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Let's Get Physical

"New month, new weight. It's time to go from 'sculpting' to 'buffing.'"