Sunday, January 31, 2010

Coffee Recall

"Yeah, I'm talking to you, barista wannabe. This $10 mochachino is just like the weather: cold and bitter."

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Some Humans are Rats

"I wouldn't eat him if he were the last mouse on Earth. Like someone once said: maybe he should have stayed in the Presidential race and pulled out of the mistress."

Friday, January 29, 2010

The TODAY Cat Show

Meredith: "Coming up, my exclusive interview with Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito on his controversial reaction during the President's State of the Union speech."

Matt: "But first, let's check to see what's coming up in TODAY's eight hour with Katty Griffin."

Ann: (I think it's pronounced 'Gifford.')

"HI GUYS!! I'm so overexcited today! 'Cause today our super special guest, The Great Kazan, is gonna teach me the right way to saw Hoda in half! Right, Hoda?! Hoda?! Has anyone seen Hoda?! Ho da mayo! Ho da phone! We got a Ho down!"

"Ugh. A lifetime career of hard-hitting journalism...gone in the blink of an eye."

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Results Are In!

"I just love the 'Kirstie' Alleycat Workout Video! I've slimmed down in all the right places. I won't stop till I'm nearly two-dimensional!"

"Sure, I've lost the weight, but the six-hour video leaves me a little washed out. I think I'll try Dianetics. I can't get enough of exploding-volcano metaphors."

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The New Kate "Kirstie" Alleycat Workout Video

This latest celebrity exercise video has sparked a fitness craze among the "big boned" community. F@ K@ will post any results and testimonials.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Hope Springs Eternal

"Yeah, yeah, I know. The chances of me getting food from this can are about as high as Congress passing health care.

But I just luuuv my Whiskas, dumb name and all."

Monday, January 25, 2010

Mother Nature's Lil' Joke

"For the millionth time, yes, I am a cat! Cease and desist your attempts to send me to the sea lion exhibit." (aarf, uh, meow)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Cats Near the Shore of New Jersey

“Yo, I gots yoa six-pack write hear. So, hows ‘bouts you and yoa rack go up to the hot tub. I’ll be up in a minute to give ya a nice sholdah rub.”
-- The Mastication

"Don’t look at hur, look at me. If you mess wit Snookie, you messin’ wit me. If ya punch hur, ya punchin’ me."
-- JMeow
(linked romantically to a former celebrity judge)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Truth Can Be Stranger Than Fiction

"Excuse me? Do I know you? Momma said I should never talk to strangers.

Of course, momma is stranger than most people."

Wealthy NY Socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein

Friday, January 22, 2010

When Cats Stray

"Say WHAT?!?!?! You had a kitten with some common alley cat?!
I knew I should have neutered you when I had the chance."

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Ain't That Classy

"I love what you've done with the place. So elegant with the new crown molding, Louis XVI furniture, portraits of the French countryside...
Um, are those glow-in-the-dark-stars on the ceiling? Hmm, interesting."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Flashbacks are Fun!

"Ah, those were the days: Backstreet Boys, fuzzy collars with bells, and yearly trips to the Sears Portrait Studio."

"Nowadays: Americal Idol, no clothes, and daily trips to Dunkin' Donuts.
America Runs, uh, Walks, uh, Waddles on Dunkin."

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I Hate Math

"Today's Massachusetts senate runoff + unlikeable Dem candidate + poorly run campaign = Dem loss = Ted Kennedy turning over in grave.

GOP win = 59/41 Senate = slow death of Obama health care proposal.

Another year of debate = headache = refill of Valium prescription = road trip to Canada."

Monday, January 18, 2010

And the Golden Globe Goes to...

"Me? OMG! I never thought I'd win! Well, I'd like to thank the academy for even nominating me. And my parents, my agent, my voice coach...

Hey! Did I win for my acting or because I look like one?"

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The War Escalates

"He's hip. He's cool. He's got the pulse of the younger generation. For obvious reasons, color me Team Conan."

"No way! Jay is the rightful heir. Team Leno all the way, baby!

"Game. Set. Match. Letterman."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother?

"Mmmm, this is delicious! So light and savory. You've really outdone yourself this time.
I have two words for you: yum...mee.

Hey, wait a minute. Where's Mr. Cuddles?!?!?!"

Friday, January 15, 2010

Follow the Leader

"Regina? Oh, yeah, she inspires me every day to get fit. In fact, I'm thinking about it right now."

"I follow Dr. Benjamin's diet and exercise regimen religiously. I pray it starts working soon."

Dr. Regina M. Benjamin
United States Surgeon General

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Going for the Gold

"Pierre, I just don't think it's going to work out. I know we've been practicing for months, and I know this is last minute, but I've found a different partner for the pairs skating. All I ask is that you wish me luck in Vancouver.

Adieu, my darling."

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

It's Great Cardio!

"Workout? Exercise? Listen, Melissa...this is not at all what I had envisioned when you said back stroke."

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Peaks and Valleys

Buster, 12:30pm
"Aaaw, yeah. This is the life. Hangin' with my bros, talkin' 'bout hos, watchin' the game on the plasma. Dude, pass me another brew and those buffalo wings."

Buster, 6:30pm
"Life sucks. You suck. My team sucks. My girlfriend lost the weight and left me.
Dude, get that camera outta my face.
So, you goin' on a beer run or not?"

Monday, January 11, 2010

Square Peg, Round Hole

"Well, it's about time you showed up! I've been "sitting" here for over an hour! Remember when we had that conversation about giving me my own key? I think that time is upon us.
FYI, your crooked smirk is not appreciated."

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Babies Make Me Sleepy

"Forget warm milk, lullabies, or Lunesta. Just put a cooing baby next to me and I'm out like a light. Their Zen-like peacefulness is contagiouzzzzzzzz...

Some babies, however, can only make me smile."

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Who Wore It Best?

Downright adorable...and slightly alluring.

Um, not so much.

Downright scary...yet strangely familiar.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Tastes Just Like Chicken

"Your beauty has bewitched me, my darling. I'm so into you, my precious, that sometimes I don't know where you end and I begin. Your eyes are like lovely pools of molten lava. I just want to dive right in.

You had me at bok-bok."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Perception is Reality

"Help! I'm trapped in the gravitational pull of this wormhole. Save yourself, Cleocatra! Warn everyone of the impending doom."

"Pull yourself together, Kenny. It's only the static-y bathroom rug. How many times have I told you not to roll around on it?
And stop calling me 'Cleocatra.' Cat puns are sooo 2009."

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Marie Antoinette, Eat Your Heart Out

"Will you look at me? This is what humans do for amusement.
That's the last time I beg for a piece of cake!"

"For all that's holy! Must everyone also know that I'm fixed?!"

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Who Needs Healthcare Reform?

"My vet is really efficient. She checked my teeth, spine, and stool in under ten minutes. And it only cost $520. Heck, I'd throw in another hundred just to get her to smile at me once."

"I only had to wait three hours for my appointment. The vet took x-rays of my sprained leg and then gave me a cortisone shot. The only thing that hurt was my wallet...$960."

"I'm lucky. My vet charges by the inch!"

Monday, January 4, 2010

A Star is Reborn

Dear F@ K@,

I am writing you this letter to express my profound gratitude. Your site inspired me to get off the fence and do something about my weight. I look and feel better than ever! And now people respect me more because I conformed to Hollywood's definition of beauty. You know, just like my idol Star Jones. Sure, shortly after her weight-loss surgery she got a divorce, was fired from her network television job, and had several failed cable shows; but I'm sure she's real happy with her decision.

Keep up the good fight,

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Drugs Not Hugs

"Don't get me wrong, little Lucy is a great kid. But she was driving me freakin' crazy with her dress ups (orange isn't my color, Lucy!), her constant tea parties (there's nothing in the cups, Lucy!), and the hourly back rubs (personal space, Lucy!)."
"But now I feel great. Better than great...I feel nothing at all! Thanks to the anger management classes, and the Abilify and Ambien, life is a bowl of cherries that I don't want to knock off the counter. I can see the tea now, Lucy. I can see the tea."

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Desperate Housecats

"Well, I heard that Maggie was seeing that crossing guard again. And that Louise is planning to adopt a Himalyan whistle kid, behind Larry's back! Care for another slice of Apple Crumb?"
"Oh no. I simply couldn't eat another bite. Did you hear about Franny? I heard that Peter saw her car parked at the Izit Inn while the kids were in school. And that Janine "accidently" mentioned it at a PTA meeting. Well, maybe another slice."

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Headache!

"Dude, that party was slammin'! The chicks were off da hook. Ya got any beer left?"

"Ugh. I can't feel my face."

"I love you, man. I really love you."

"Um, where am I? Who are you? Where are my pants? Was 41-year-old J-Lo wearing a see-thru catsuit last night?"