Saturday, August 28, 2010

Braveheart My Ass

"Geez. Drinks, drugs, fights...That's the last time I throw a party for Mel Gibson's cat."

Thursday, August 26, 2010

God is Part Cat

"Seriously, I know what I'm saying: Jesus said that I need to receive more food. He told me this morning while I was in the shower and I was, like, 'Jesus! Can we talk about this later?!' And He was, like, 'Yeah, okay. But tell them what I said!!'"

Friday, August 20, 2010

Furniture That's Bad for Self-Esteem

"Don't blame my weight for breaking it. Besides, who the hell makes a chair out of a giant rubber band?"

Monday, August 16, 2010

I Love the Sears Portrait Studio

"Look at me. Am I not the most amazing thing you've ever seen? You can't turn away, can you? No, you cannot."

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Watchers Wait

"I think I'll sit here for a bit while I catch my breath. This diet wears me out. By the way, your deck needs staining."

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Lady Luck Sucks

"I lost all my money and got drunk. Or did I get drunk and lose all my money?"

Monday, August 9, 2010

Knock, Knock...

"Excuse me, I hear that you may be looking for a new furry friend?"

Friday, August 6, 2010

Only One Suspect...

"Bad news: Maurice is dead. Good news: His final wish was for me to get his food."

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Soon, I'm Outta here

"Shit, nobody understands what I go through. One day, I'm gonna break out of this one-horse town and follow my dream to be a Vegas showgirl."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

An "Inception" Birthday

"This is one weird ass birthday party. What are those? Marbles? Is that a candle in a thimble? Am I wearing a sweater vest? You guys are freaks."

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Bring Me More Food!

"Chomp, chomp. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Chomp. chomp. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz."