Thursday, December 31, 2009

Clichés are Worth a Thousand Words

"Oh boy, it's the end of the year. Should I stay at my current job? Should I go on a diet? Should I quit smoking again? Should I send the kids to private school?

Golly, I wish there was a phrase to describe the way I feel right now."

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Separated at Birth? You Decide...

"Many people say that I look like Alec Baldwin. I laugh and tell them they're wrong...he looks like me!

Either way you slice it, you can't deny that we're both handsome devils (in a Buddha sort of way)."

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

"Ab Crunch" Should Only Refer to a Breakfast Cereal


FYI, you ain't no Jillian Michaels yourself. Are you gonna spot me or not?"

Monday, December 28, 2009

Spooning is Overrated

"Stop touching me."
"I'm not touching you."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
"Can I get some space, please?"
"You mean, more than you have between your ears?"
"That's not even funny."
"I'd rather be unfunny than ugly."
"We look the same, dummy."
"No we don't. I'm waaaay thinner."

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Would You Like an Autograph, Too?

"I was discovered while shopping at a mall in New Jersey. This weird director came up to me and said that I was purrfect for a movie he was making. I was skeptical, but my agent said it would be a good career move. The worst part of the whole experience...the strict diet and hours at the gym.

Here's a clip of one of my scenes from my little, independent film called Avatar."

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I'm Your Private Dancer

"Oh yeah. You like that, don't you? I've been a naughty girl, haven't I? Look what Santa brought you this year. Wait till you see me on the pole. Mmm, yeah...

Larry! Larry, is that you? Wait till your wife hears about this!
$100? Oh, sorry. I thought you looked like someone I knew. My bad."

Friday, December 25, 2009

The Hap, Happiest Time of the Year

"Take a look at our pictures very carefully. Do you see a common theme here??"

"We HATE dressing up as Santa Claws!! Do you know why? Do you even care?
Well, here are some hints: Santa was jolly, Santa likes cookies, Santa was a big man...
He was FAT! Got it! The freaking Santa hat is not flattering and it draws attention to our size.

Next year, dress us up as sleek, athletic reindeer."

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Ultimate Scene Stealer

"So, is it a yes or a no? Listen, I was good this year! I barely scratched the sofa, I broke only four of your collectable gnomes, I let the kids dress me up as Count Catula for Halloween, and I kept the hairballs to a minimum.

I need to know now! Can I play the Baby Jesus this year or not??"

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

When Cats Become Cougars

"Hello, lover. Does my come-hither stare make you nervous? Oui?? Well, then don't just stand there perspiring...come hither! Give mama a nice rub on the tummy. Oh my, it seems the champagne has gone to my head. Who knows what mama is capable of doing tonight...[giggle]...[purrrrr]."

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What's Worse Than...?

What's worse than letting your cat get fat enough to look like a cookie jar?

Dressing up your baby as a cooked turkey!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Like Looking in a Mirror

"Well, this proves it. Pets and their owners do look alike. Which is fine with me, especially when it's time for breast feeding. Mmm, mmm, good..." (burp)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I'm a Star. Love Me.

"Hi. Welcome to my celebrity crib. Being the pampered pet of an international superstar, I get whatever I want, whenever I want. The fame, the glory, the adoration...things I live with everyday. So many of the unwashed masses want to be me.

Huh? Come again? What?! Holy crap!! She's not Courtney Cox??!!"

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Cheaters Never Win

"I just found out Stanley's been having an affair. That son of a bitch! I gave him love, devotion, a nice home. Hell, I even gave him my virginity! I told him it's over. I want a divorce!

Could you give me a moment to myself? I need to collect my thoughts."

Wracked with guilt, Stanley threw himself in front of a moving taxi.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Newest Stimulus Package

"Okay, let me get this straight. You want me to clean the barn at 4am; milk the goats at 6am; then plow the corn field till sunset?

Honey, why didn't you tell me we were having money problems??
I would have left you years ago."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Less Weight = More Love?

"I hope you're happy now. After all your bitchin' and moanin', I went ahead and did something about my 'size.' Do you like me better? Am I sexier now? Is this what you really wanted?

By the way, I charged the gastric bypass on your credit card. Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Cat with a Fat Attitude

To whom it may concern,

I urge you to cease and desist posting my photo on your F@ K@ site. As I explained over the phone, I am not, and never have been, a cat. Your blatant lack of research has caused me and my family irreparable mental anguish, not to mention loss of wages due to stress. Please correct the situation at your earliest convenience.

Good day. I said good day, sir!

(Denver, CO)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Synonyms are Dangerous

"Oh Trish. Dear, sweet, naive Trish. How could she ever fathom that, by putting me on her lap while she lay spread eagle, she would open herself up to inappropriate jokes about her nether region?? My dear, sweet, clueless Trish."

Monday, December 14, 2009

One Life to Live

"So THIS is your idea of a cute picture, huh? Have you never heard of the Sears Portrait Studio?

Sheesh, where did my life go wrong? A breed like me should be sailing in the Mediterranian feasting on barbequed fish and drinking champagne. Things will be better in my next life. Not that whole '9 lives' crap. I'm a Buddhist."

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Feel the Burn...of My Ire!

"No means no. Not one more push up, not one more squat, not one more ab crunch. Besides, the bigger I get, the more I can cover your ugly couch. I'm doing you a favor."

Saturday, December 12, 2009

These Boots Are Made For Walking

"Did you just kick me in the head, Maurice? You heard me! you just kicked your beloved mascot in the f'ing head! 'Cause if you didn't, you've got some explaining to do. Don't act like it didn't happen.

You wanna make it up to me? Go get me a f'ing savory treat. And it better be the kind I like. Now get outta my face, Maurice!"

You Think You're Hot? You Haven't Seen Hot

"I believe the way I feel can best be described in song.
Maestro, West Side Story in the key of G."

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

Friday, December 11, 2009

A Zeppelin Angel

"Am I special? You bet. Do you feel strangely drawn to me? You sure do. Are you dreaming this? Maybe."

"The reason I look so voluptuous is because I'm actually filled with helium. Oh, and I'm better than you."

I'll Never Be Your Beast of Burden

"Sure, who doesn't like going on vacation? That dynamic high of a new adventure. The hightened sense of everything around you. The air of endless possibilities...

What fills me with ennui is that I'm forced to carry your stuff. What? Not enough room in your Walmart backpack? What am I to you anyway? Some common alpaca? Carry your own g'dam cigarettes!"

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The David Hasselhoff of Cats

"I'm your pretty cat." (burp)
"Come over here and give your teddy bear some sugar." (hiccup)
"Wanna rub your baby's belly?" (snort)
"Pass your precious a little more catnip." (cough)
"I'll sleep with you if you carry me to the bed."

Don't Look at Me Like That

"Yes, I know I've gained a little weight. Who doesn't nowadays? It's winter and I'm nesting. Stop looking at me that way. Turn away. Turn away now and leave me to my misery."

"By the way, that protrusion is my other leg. Perv."

Is This a Cat or an Ewok?

A precious sight indeed. The lil' baby's stunned face says it all, "Oh no you didn't. You best be returnin' me to the buffet table, woman, before I get all up in your grill."

"I Find You Loathesome"

Here sits the dowager empress silently judging all she surveys. Deep in meditation, she contemplates not her existence...but yours.

Welcome to Fat Cat Lover!

Hi! This is a blog dedicated to appreciating our beautifully rotund feline friends. Some of us just can't get enough of their chubby cuteness.

Submit your cute chubby to:
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